Family

This time of year is consumed by family. My in laws tend to inhabit and overtake the holidays. Which most of the time is fine, I welcome the escape from the crazy that is my family, but this year, I'm a little irritated with my in laws. Not my parental in laws, but definitely my husbands brother and his family. My husbands brother tends to be a bit of a self righteous pompous ass who likes to pick fights with people. Then if you add alcohol? Hilarity ensues...Are you picking up on my sarcasm? Good, 'cause I'm laying it on pretty thick.

Well, at least I have something to contribute at marital counseling next week....

Baby Steps

I don't know why I chose that title, all I know is that I have been feeling myself make tiny improvements all around. I am trying to be more patient, more communicative (rather than argumentative) with my husband. I am trying to pick better times to bring up tough subjects with him (Need a lot of work there). I am making a conscious effort to learn from my mistakes - I'm about ready to write a few of these mistakes I make over and over on my hand.
I am trying to be positive. Trying to keep perspective - to not lose the forest in the trees. I am trying moderation. I am trying to practice what I preach. I am trying to breathe deeply and think before I speak. I am trying to be an example to my girls. I am trying to remember what it was like to be 7 & 11. I am trying to set realistic goals for myself and realistic expectations for others. I am trying to remember that when I am frustrated with someone, I'm not perfect either. I am trying to learn to balance humility with confidence - not to be mistaken for pride.
I'm trying new things to fix old problems.

Me & Dubya

So here’s where I’m at with it ~
About 8 years ago, I met this guy. He was sweet, kind, had a good sense of humor, kind of a renegade, good set of friends, my parents liked him…I thought I’d found The Guy For Me. Shortly after we started seeing each other, we went through this huge crisis. It was a horrible, unstable, unsettling time for all of us. I relied on him a lot during that very trying time. He was strong when I needed strength, compassionate when I was crying and soothing when I got so angry I couldn’t see straight. I really believed that he would make everything all right again, and that we would come out of this stronger than ever. He went out there and defended me, spoke up to anyone who criticized me…He even picked a fight with someone who he thought had hurt me. Even got all of his buddies to back him up. I know he was protecting me, but after a while I felt like the fighting wasn’t making me feel any better, and I wasn’t sure he was fighting with the right person. I thought of breaking up with him, but something told me not to quit on someone who had sacrificed so much for me.
But then I started noticing that he was so busy fighting for me, that he wasn’t paying attention to me; he wasn’t working, so there was no money, he wasn’t paying attention to the children; their schooling & health care were being neglected. Then I found out that he had made some of the local shop owners angry, and so then they started charging me higher prices for things I needed every day. AND he gave out my phone number to all of his buddies, and now they were calling me at all hours for my time and my money. What was worse was that everything we stood for, and everything I believed in him for was crumbling around us…and we were now a punchline for jokes.
Now he just seems pathetic – I understand what he was trying to do, but he failed miserably in the process. I think it’s time for us to go our separate ways…

Done

Dead End
Originally uploaded by andy in nyc

I'd heard tell of this "Done" place...but I didn't believe it existed. The place when you reach when your well of patience runs dry. Where you realize that, despite all of your efforts, you still aren't where you want to be.
I use the Dr. Phil thing: "How's that workin for ya?"
Well, Phil, I'll tell ya- it's not. And the really hard part is that I have this feeling that I'm on a road to nowhere...a dead end street. That the prospects don't look too good.
I'm working very hard to find the joy - the silver lining, the rainbows in the clouds, but it's getting very difficult.
This all sounds gloom and doom, but Done isn't such a bad place. You are free of guilt, free of worrying about what everyone else is doing, saying, thinking or feeling. It's not bad or good, it's just DONE.
Sounds like a road sign in a Stephen King novel:
DONE - Next Exit.
Take the exit or don't take the exit.



I think this is my stop...I'll get off here....

The Rub

I fancy myself a bit of a writer. For the last few years, I've been working on "My Book". It's a compilation of stories my husband, his family and friends share whenever we get together.

A while back, I went to a book reading for a friend of mine who is a bestselling author whose first book was recently optioned by HBO for a series. I was so inspired at that book reading that I decided I was going to really dedicate myself to finishing this book. I asked her to be my my mentor and at her suggestion I started a blog.

My husband has been tremendously supportive, going so far as to tell people this is what I'm doing. He's helped me to compile the list of stories to be included, he's done some proofreading. He's on board.

I really want to do this. I'm enjoying this writing process immensely and this project has given me a personal goal & dream.

Now The Rub - A lot of these stories are funny, but at another person's expense. How do I stay true to the story and still have my friends and family speaking to me after it's done? I'm not the first person to encounter this hurdle, I know. Some of the great humorists of our time use their closest friends and family as 'material' for their humor. Aren't we told to write what we know?

Rocks in my Backpack

I don't normally look to "The Ace Man" Adam Corolla as my moral compass, but he said something recently that stuck with me. He has this theory that we all have kind of Kharmic Backpacks and in those backpacks we/life put rocks of varying sizes, which we have to carry around. Not picking up the dry cleaning, well that's a relatively small rock. Cheating on a spouse...yeah that one's big. So we go around every day adding & removing rocks from our backpacks.
I was able to remove a rather large rock from my backpack yesterday - OH, and I've found that the longer they stay in your pack, the heavier they are. Anyways, I was able to complete a project for a client that I've been trying to get to since before the 4th of July. Totally unacceptable that it took me that long (which either added to the size of the original rock OR was a different rock - either way, more weight for my backpack). It really felt good to deliver this project to my client and was a huge weight out of my backpack.
In thinking about this theory of the Kharmic Backpack, I thought about the rocks that might be in my sweetheart's backpack as well as my girls' backpacks. Work, school, sports, home obligations, bad dreams, disappointments, hurt feelings, lost friends, words left unsaid...These backpacks can hold a multitude of rocks for which we shoulder the weight. What stops us from taking the time to dump out these packs, sort through them and leave some of this unnecessary weight behind? We take time to do other things, to nurture our bodies, our minds, our relationships, but what about taking time to nurture our souls? To relieve some of the burden? Isn't this as important as seeing a Dr. or Dentist? Or changing the tires on our vehicles? Or cleaning out the closet?

The Past

Since you've last heard from me, I've had two run in's with our past -

-My husband's former business partner came into my office. This waste of space stole tens of thousands of dollars from us and sent our lives into a tailspin from which we are just beginning to recover.
-A dream of a former employer of mine who owes us a decent sized sum of money, which added to the above mentioned tailspin.

After the butterflies all cleared, my main thought was "WHY?" Why are these people surfacing? Why today? What am I to learn from this? What do I need to reconcile immediately?

There is so much from these two that contributed to a horrible downward spiral in my husbands outlook and subsequently put a strain on our marriage. They are 2/3 of a Trifecta of Bullshit that nearly beat us completely. Typing this, I'm realizing it all started around a year ago to the date.

Now what? Do I need to revisit this time in my life and make some peace with it? (I really don't want to ever go back to that place again - it was so dark and cold and it truly seemed endless).
Having said that, I believe that I would much rather walk forward, to the light and the truth. My sweetheart has emerged from that dark place a more centered individual, and we are stronger as a couple for having come through it. I would like to scrape these two pieces of filth off of my shoe and continue in the positive direction. I will remain strong and honest, and believe that life will take care of these people.
Thanks for helping me figure it out.